i feel very rushed, like i'm trying to beat a record. my heart feels like a little ticking timebomb. i've been massaging migraines out of my brain all afternoon. i whisper "i'm listening" to my body and i just want to hear a response. but it throbs and hurts, and i don't know why. it's been a long time since i've felt like this. everything around me feels so severe and everything has a pulse. sometimes my emotions hurt more than help.
it takes 27 days to create a habit. i will have to write in this blog every day for the next 24 days for it to become said habit. i'm really excited! i have something to work towards, and one day, something to look back on.
i ride the bus to and from school. i don't have my permit or my license, partly out of laziness and partly out of my severe phobia of driving. i do not trust myself (or anyone else) driving five-tonne metal coffins. i wish i could drive by bicycle. i miss riding my little pink bike. it even has a pokemon card on the spokes of the wheel!
flit flit flit flit~ anyways, i was on my way home today from school today. i was singing
a song in my seat, all by myself, and i was laying across the seat and my hair was on the dusty old floor and i was facing my friend. i stretched out my arms and let my fingers brush through my tangly, dready hair. she looked down at me and started laughing. i stopped singing and curiously asked her what's so funny. she said, "you really just love doing your own little thing, don't you?" i smiled a toothy grin and replied, "i think you just described my entire life in one sentence."
i have another friend. i feel like i'm going to talk about her a lot, so i'll go with the codename chloe. i've known chloe since the first day of school last year. we both decided to sit at the same lunch table. my hair was frizzy and pink and adorable and everyone was staring at me and pointing and snickering under their breath. i unpacked my lunch (it was only apples! i remember this!) and sat right next to the windows so i could watch the clouds. it's as close as i could get to actually being outside. chloe sat across from me that day. she had shoulder-length natural brown hair and big milky brown eyes that stared into your soul. square-framed glasses were perched on her nose and big dangly earrings flowed down the sides of her face. she liked tapping music with her fingernails. but most importantly, she looked nervous. she still looks nervous. chloe has not changed since the day i met her.
naturally, i introduced myself. she told me her name and it turned out that we had the same class together for fifth, sixth, and seventh period! wow! (it's a three period, three-hour business course, jsyk. i will be talking about that a lot too.) i was simply thrilled to find a friend in this class, but she didn't look so excited. i was used to this. i am always more excited than they are when it comes to hanging out. we walked to class together and i did most of the talking, with her simply nodding and intercepting for an occasional eyebrow raise. chloe wore a pencil skirt and business suit jacket. she looked very professional and very adorable. she has such a simple and modern style that not a lot of people can pull off without being 'boring'. i think she's lovely.
chloe's mind is always running. we can talk without speaking. our glances from across rooms speak volumes. we are constantly trying to figure each other out, and it's bloody obvious. we can spend hours staring at each other without breaking off the gaze, and simply have full conversations with our soft breaths and big round eyes. sometimes when i look at her, i want to cry. she will never stop thinking and filling up her body with toxic thoughts and energies. i want to shake her and shout, "you are beautiful! you are in charge of your life! stop forgetting about the beauty!" she's one of those people who is upset that roses has thorns, rather than feeling blessed that thorns have roses.
i have a lot of stories about chloe, but i think i am going to read and take a nap. there may be a mini-update later. :) namaste
xxx pixie
Labels: chloe, marketing, timebomb in my brain
